Pretty in Prom; Footprom; Never Been Prommed; American Prom

I did not go to my high school prom. I did not want to go to the prom. I did not turn down one person as a date. I did not care one thing about that prom. I knew people that went to the prom, and aside from going to a salon to get an up-do that aged the average teenager 15 years and buying a flimsy long gown, I never found a compelling reason to go. So, WHY OH WHY are we bombarded by Prom movies? You know...the ones where the prom is the holy grail of teenage life?Let me tell you, teenage readers who, with prom season coming up upon on us and you with not a date in sight, prom is only a dance. A hopeful boy may bring a condom and a starving-to-fit-into-her-dress girl may cease to eat and then have champaigne and then get a bit loopy (Donna Martin from 90210 anyone?...Donna Martin graduates!). But, that's kind of it.

Don't think I don't get it; I do. I know that the prom is the teenage equivalent to a wedding. It's a good goal in a movie (wedding/prom) because it's a place for the plot to end up, but it's probably not a good goal for life itself (and I'm emphasizing the wedding part here). The whole goal of Footloose is to have a dance, to have a prom. The goal of American Pie is to fuck by way of the prom. Romy and Michele get dissed at the prom. (And, their high school reunion is pretty much prom, round two.) Pretty in Pink claims her independence at the prom (even though Andy still gets with Blaine...I'm convinced the director's cut of that movie has Andy either getting with her gay/doesn't know he's gay yet friend, Duckie, or she stays single). Now, Carrie...I can totally get behind the goal in Carrie's prom. Sure, Carrie wanted to dance, but the school wanted to humiliate her. So, when she demolishes the better part of her peers, the goal of murder by way of prom is pretty ingenious. (Shakespeare would have a field day with that. In the 1970s [Carrie], creates death and by the 1990s [American Pie], the boys long for their own demise by way of sex, by way of the orgasm. It's almost too poetic.)

I would love to see a movie where the prom simply happens, and it's not at the end, and it's not involving an ugly duckling getting transformed into a faux-forty year old (I'm referring to the hairstyle that inevitably happens to 17 year old girls at the salon). A prom IS like a wedding. But, it's a wedding where you're merely a guest. You're not the bride or groom taking vows (i.e. the last lawful contractual form of slavery). If you simply attend a wedding reception, it's not the climax of your life. It's a night where you maybe bought a new dress and dinner was served in a buffet line. That's how prom should be. It should be a fun night. And, don't think that if you missed prom in high school, you'll never get to go later. You'll go. It'll just be better. It'll be in the form of a law school prom (yeah, believe it or not, they do exist!) or a high school or college reunion or someone will throw a party and the theme will be '80s prom or you'll attend a wedding or be a bride or groom in a wedding.

Prom is just a fancy dance. So, go to all the equivalents you can because you'll most definitely be smarter than you were in high school. Sleep with the boy who sheepishly brings the condom. Punch the drunk boy who gropes you. Diet down. Don't diet down. Drink a lot. Drink nothing. Just remember, it's ONLY ONE NIGHT and there are so many in life. And, if you've been brainwashed by the movies into thinking that this is the climax of your existence, then you better work to make it the best night of your life. Then, call your therapist, take your meds, and sleep off that hangover because tomorrow is another day. And, maybe, another prom.